“Never trust the artist. Trust the tale” D.H. Lawrence Studies in Classic American Literature (1923) Ch 1
I empathize with the above quote but for me the issue of trust goes much deeper and is one of the biggest issues I have to deal with. Ever since I can remember I have been unable to take things people said or did on trust. I’m a kinaesthetic learner first, visual learner second and a practically non-existent aural learner. “Don’t touch that, it’s hot” never deterred me from sticking my fingers into a fire nor did “That’s too high, you’ll fall” stop me from tree climbing or walking along the edge of high walls. I only learnt when something bad happened and unfortunately, for all my years and vast experience of ‘bad’ happenings, I’m still the same. Basically I don’t trust people unless I’ve learnt to over a period of time, and trust what they tell me when it has been put to the test and proven.
Lovers and teachers found me an absolute pain and my ‘Yes, but…’ comments infuriating. If only I didn’t have to have proof all the time I’m sure I’d be a much happier individual. Yet I do trust books. Not newspapers, just books. I trust that the writer has integrity and is expressing an opinion or a truth, even if I don’t agree with that opinion or have a different notion of what the truth is. I find this aspect of myself fascinating. I don’t know where the faith comes from but it has never wavered.
Recently I’ve had a relapse of a medical condition I have that has resulted in my searching (again) for answers. Not just about the condition but why I have it, why it has come back, what my emotional attachment to it is and what I can do about it. If you don’t believe that your physical condition is linked to your emotional state then you probably haven’t read the books I have, or been convinced by them, and are probably wondering what all this has to do with trust, unless it’s trust in the medical profession and drug regimes.
I think that when some people, particularly women, have problems they search for answers and look to others who have survived similar experiences to provide them with hope. I’ve been reading about a near death experience in “Dying To Be Me” by Anita Moorjani and believe every word she says about her out of body experience and being cured of cancer. From the e-mails and feedback she’s received she has obviously helped a lot of people but this is where my ‘Yes, but…’ always comes in. I intellectually trust her words, but because I have not had the same experience I cannot emotionally commit to what she tells me about my own magnificence and connection to Source. I want to have her emotional security and knowledge. I want to have relationships with people that are positive and loving. I want to be able to trust myself and my judgement as well as others but a near death experience is a bit of a drastic way of enabling me to do that. I guess I’m just a ‘Doubting Thomas’ and may never be able to let go of my fears of not being good/worthy enough, being made a fool of, of being wrong. And that, I find, is incredibly sad.
I’ve tried religion, alternative therapies, retreats, holistic therapies, neural linguistic programming – you name it, I’ve tried it. Intellectually they all did a lot for me and for varying periods of time. But my core has remained relatively untouched and I face the same problems again and again, with nothing really being resolved. So this time round I’m trying to just accept that I’m a flawed individual who tries too hard looking for answers ‘out there’ when all the time I know them already. I have to ‘trust the tale’ of my life and heal the bits that got broken along the way. I may need help, but I’m the only one who can do it. And that, for me, is the first step towards trust.